Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
