I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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