The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Randomize
