she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
