mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
