she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
