yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
