Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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