Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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