I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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