omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
