And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
