WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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