1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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