Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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