Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
