We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
