His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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