i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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