So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
