youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
