atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
