In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
