my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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