a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
