Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
