and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
