This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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