I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
