I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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