Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
