you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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