New low: just hacked my moms facebook
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
