Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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