Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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