I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
