So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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