I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
