the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
