Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
