I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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