i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
