If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
