We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
