Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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