I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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