I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
