Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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