I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
