Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
