I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
