Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
