The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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