She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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