I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
