He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
