For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
