I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
