just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
