You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
